Mayor of Bipsy Town

So last night I had what I refer to as a "Bipsy." My sister-in-law calls it "throwing a nutty." Either way, it was no fun, for me or Scott. It started with me expressing my dissatisfaction about something completely unrelated to what was really going on-- the fact that I was having a freak attack.

When I finally got to the heart of the matter, things went like this:

Me: I need you to tell me it's okay that my work is really slow so I'm not making much money and that I'm fat and veiny.

Long pause.

Me: Please say something rapidly.

Scott handled it all like a pro. The pause was because he believed that I was setting a trap for him (which of course I've never, ever done before!) and that whatever he said would not be right. Particularly because the word "fat" was part of my freak out.

When he finally spoke he said: It's okay with me. But it needs to be okay with you.

Where did I find this guy? Seriously. I've been going to Alanon meetings for over six years and can't come up with stuff like that. He was right on the mark. I'd like to say my freakout ended there, but it did not, and I continued to express my anxiety about everything from needing to register for baby stuff to what we were going to be for Halloween.

For a long time, I knew I was prone to depression, but I'm just realizing the role that anxiety plays in my life. I can whirl myself into a tizzy over just about anything (as proven by the fact that our Halloween costumes makes my short list of things to freak over). Add pregnancy hormones and all the unknowns of impending motherhood to the mix = Bipsy. Even my cat was starting to get nervous. (Although I believe she also has a predisposition to anxiety. Along with the fact that she likes to eat zucchini bread and pizza crusts, I am starting to believe that we somehow share genetic material.)

Eventually after much deep breathing and crazy ranting, I calmed down and fell asleep. I woke up this morning realizing I need to be more proactive about doing the things that keep me grounded-- exercise, journaling, prayer and the dreaded meditation. I really want to enjoy these last few months of calm before el bambino comes on the scene.

My prenatal yoga class started back up again the other day. Besides getting all stretchy, I always seem to learn some fun and often disturbing thing about pregnancy/birthin'. Last time it was the "Ring of Fire." This time the teacher mentioned that pregnant women acquire fat on their backs and sides (I like to call this back bacon-- I'm not sure why, but I like it.). I was relieved to hear that because I'd recently noticed this exact phenomenon occuring on my very back and sides-- so it was nice to hear it was a normal part of pregnancy. What I wasn't so wild about hearing was: "It Never Goes Away." What?!? I thought this prenatal yoga stuff was supposed to be relaxing...

I know I complain a lot in here about the not-so-fun parts of this journey, because I need to because it's scary and amazing and science fiction-y. But I also have nice little moments of excitement to meet this little dude who is so avidly thrashing around in my stomach. It's fun to think about who he might look like, who he might be. Like he will probably like to laugh and be fairly proficient with the English language and chances are he will have a sturdy nose. But who knows, really. It's part of the adventure of all of this-- the same reason I get so anxious. But right now, just for this moment-- I think it might all be really, really amazing.

I'm going to stop there, before I freak myself out again.

Snuggled in

I've got a bit of a cold the past few days, so like a wuss (I mean, because I believe in assertive self-care) I'm all snuggled in bed with the cat and some dvds. It's that perfect kind of sick where I feel quite fine so long as I stay snuggled in, but if I try and do too much I am quickly aware that my energy level is non-existent.

We went to our first "Connections" group at the midwives last week. You get the choice to either continue going to your appointments with the midwives, or to be part of a group of people due around the same time as you, where you get some childbirth ed pieces and still get time with the midwives as well. So we tried it out and for the most part liked it.

They are trying their best to ease us into this whole birth thing-- they showed us a video of the very end of a water birth. Of course when the facilitator said something about how the birthing mom's mother was holding a mirror up to her daughter's perineum so she could see-- the giggling started. And Scott and I couldn't look at each other when the facilitator told us that if any fecal matter ended up in the tub, the midwives would just scoop it out.

I am torn between believing that this whole pregnancy and birth thing is totally natural-- and being completely horrified with the process. Why can't we just lay eggs instead? I would totally be down with tending to a few eggs. I'm good at snuggling in and staying warm and sedentary! Or maybe Scott could help out for awhile like the March of the Penguins daddies. Wouldn't that be cute?

Anyways, the video wasn't too traumatic-- they're saving that for later I'm sure. We were assured that we'd be seeing videos of placentas and whatever else comes out of there later on.

The little one is kicking up a storm. We can actually see his movements now-- he's quite the thrasher. And he seems to like Mexican food and spicy stuff and, well, as Scott pointed out... all the same stuff I like. Hmmm....

Nestin'

To make up for my neglect here, I'm doubling up and posting twice in one day... can you tell I'm an all or nothing kind of gal?

So I've been nesting. Cleaning, cooking-- I've got sugar-free spelt banana bread cooking in the oven and beans simmering for bean burgers on the stovetop. I think there is only one room in the house that I'd be really embarrased to have anyone in should we have an incident that brings unexpected company. I have never felt so much like an animal as I have lately-- knowing that these domestic urges are the product of hormones beyond my control. I can almost see myself flitting out to the yard to collect leaves and branches, carrying them back to the house in my teeth, where I proceed to fashion them into an actual giant nest. It could happen.

Also I was driving today and that Five for Fighting song, 100 years came on and I burst into tears. What am I becoming?!? I think what got me about the song, besides just the unpredictability of hormone surges, is that for the last 34 & 1/3 years it's pretty much been all about me. Not that I'm a completely selfish person, but, well, kinda. Now there's going to be someone else to think about, someone completely dependant on us to steward him through the beginning of his life. As happy and exciting as this whole thing is, there's a bittersweetness about giving up my previous life for this new one. I'm like this about all life changes-- I tend to be very sentimental and have a difficult time anticipating major life shifts. Then, once the shift happens, I'm always okay, and in fact usually better. But the anticipation is a struggle for me. It's a good thing I married an optimist-- as my dad once said "Scott has such a sunny disposition. And you occasionally do, too."

Rant for the week: Sciatica. It sucks. My back hurts and my leg is numb most of the time. Although as a friend pointed out, perhaps the numbness will continue, and perhaps head a bit north, and serve as a natural epidural.

Rave: Dexter, season two. I enjoyed season one, but I think I was still mourning the end of Six Feet Under and couldn't detach David's character from Dexter. But season two rocked. Not as gory as season one, either. Likey.

Into the Mystic...

Scott and I went away for our "babymoon" this weekend. It was a quick trip but just what the psychiatrist ordered. We headed down to Mystic, Connecticut-- we wanted to go somewhere not too far but not too close, where there'd be a handful of things to do, and Mystic fit the bill nicely.

Fortunately, Scott and I travel really well together. Our idea of a good vacation day is some good food cooked by other people, then a few hours of exploring, followed by a few to several hours of napping/reading. Then back out for dinner. It was very low key-- we visited the aquarium, which was fun-- I did notice we were nearly the only people there without kids (kids on the outside, that is). The highlight for me was the sea lions. The lady sea lions made these crazy belch-sounding noises and I just laughed and laughed and laughed.

I also noticed the new, intense way that we were watching other peoples' kids. The toddlers in the Mexican restaurant that once would've been an amusing distraction were still cute, but also kind of like watching a science experiment. We both seemed to especially notice the little boy kiddos, since that's the variety we're getting this time around. I guess we are becoming parents. Pretty weird stuff.

We also went to see Bill Maher's "Religulous" which was quite amusing, though the end seemed a bit on the dark side.

Mostly we just laughed a lot and enjoyed the change of scenery and the relaxing weekend. Scott's been working really hard lately in his new position at work, so I was really glad we could sneak away.

Unfortunately last night the cat kept us up with a lot of barfing and death howling. I guess it's good practice, right? Although as Scott said, hopefully our little guy won't be vomitting up stinky cat food in the middle of the night...

I've again been delinquent in here... things are just kind of flowing along, without much event, so I haven't posted in awhile.

I was a little disturbed this week at my prenatal yoga class when the instructor started talking about the "ring of fire" stage of labor. And something about getting part of her vajeyjey clipped. The woman next to me--also a first-time mom-to-be--and I just looked at each other like "what the ef?" The instructor, sensing our panic, tried to sooth us by saying it was "more like an Indian rug burn." Then why do they call it the Ring of Fire? It sounds like something out of the Hobbit-- "And you must now pass through the Ring of Fire." I thought prenatal yoga class was supposed to help with stress reduction?!?

Watched the debate last night-- I have to say I was hoping it would be a little more ridiculous. Although does anyone in America really think it's a good idea to have another person in the White House who can't pronounce nuclear? You betcha', bless your little heart. And where did that accent come from? I'm from Alaska, and I'm pretty sure I don't sound like that...

Anyways. Going for sushi (don't worry, I don't eat fish of the raw or cooked variety) and improv tonight-- should be fun.