Since our digital camera broke, and since we'll probably wanting to take lots of pictures of our little one when he/she arrives, we've been talking about getting a new camera. Scott volunteered to do some research on different models, and we headed to Circuit City last night to check them out. As compatible as we are in many ways, the hubster and I do have some differences. He likes shiny new things, and I prefer to keep things a bit (cheaper) simpler. The camera he'd picked out was one that could be used either manually or automatically, and had fancy lenses and lots of buttons. I gravitated towards one that was about half the cost and basically was just the newer version of our old camera. Between the flourescent lights, the constant hovering sales people asking whether we needed help, the overwhelming choice of cameras with buttons and switches and fancy slidey things, and the extra dash of hormones rushing through my body, I started to get antsy.
We bantered a bit about the camera he wanted and the camera I wanted, and decided to leave and think things over. By the time we pulled into the Babies R Us parking lot to pick up a gift, I had transitioned into full throttle meltdown. Scott was a trooper, and waited while I worked my way out of my fit.
We made it through the rest of the trip with out additional tears, and proceeded to visit our new niece and get lots of snuggle time with her.
But I stayed bothered by our camera standoff-- I really felt the simpler one was better, but I felt bad that Scott really had his heart set on the other one. It's not an easy financial time for many people, and neither of us have excellent job security. I know we will be fine whatever happens, but finances are an area that can send me into a deep well of self-loathing, since I feel I should be more self-sufficient than I am at this stage in my life. I use this as a way to beat myself up, and tell myself I'm not good enough, and the camera issue brought this all swirling to the surface for me.
This morning I made myself go to my 12-step "eatin' meetin'"-- though food is not currently plaguing me, the spiritual aspects of the program and the comfort I get from sitting in a room full of people doing their best to be honest and improve their lives still applies. A woman spoke about her perfectionism, about wanting to look perfect and have a perfect house and a perfect life and something in me shifted, relaxed. This woman is someone I adore, and when I look at her I don't see her imperfections. I see a lovely, charming, funny woman who I kind of want to be when/if I grow up. I was reminded that I can choose to beat myself up for all the areas of my life where I fall short-- whether it's self-sufficiency or procrastination or messy rooms or a myriad of other things-- but all that seems to do is make me and the people around me miserable. And I was reminded that the way I see things is not necessarily the way they are-- it sounds so obvious but it's easier to say than to remember. It's like if I wander around without my contacts or glasses-- the world looks like a collection of big blurry blobs. But the world doesn't really look that way-- it just appears that way through my broken eyes.
So. I came home more spiritually fit and relieved of some heavy baggage. And, to top it off, Scott wanted to go back to Circuit City to look at the camera I had admired the night before. I volunteered to return to the lion's den with him, and we happily purchased that very camera. In appreciation of his act of compromise, I encouraged him to treat himself to a new video game. No tears were shed, we were both pleased, and I'm happy to report that the rest of the day has passed more peacefully.
Phew.
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