Ripening

Fridays are usually the day that I go to the farm with Emily to pick up produce that wacky Gene (Pool) grew. I think I'm going to skip it today, but I am still thinking about ripening and growing. I finally watered the tomato plants I've been neglecting this morning, and I'm amazed by their resiliency. I haven't watered them often, or trimmed them back in the places that don't grow fruit, or spoken gently to them. And still most of them are green, and blooming small round fruits despite my neglect and the soggy summer. It gives me hope that whatever mistakes we'll make as parents will also be weathered with that same resiliency inherent to nature.

I tried to take a picture of my belly this morning, but I can't figure out the digital camera. In any case, it too is slowly blooming. Especially in the evenings, and especially if I've partaken in a large plate of Thai food. I still don't really believe there is a little creature in there-- it seems so science fiction to me. I believed it a little bit when we first heard the galloping heartbeat, and a lot more at our first ultrasound. In fact I forgot that we could see the baby, but it couldn't see us, and I'm pretty sure I tried to wave at it. But the rest of the time, it just doesn't seem quite real.

I find myself thinking a lot about the past lately. Partly because I've had a lot of time to think, and partly because having this baby will be one of the biggest "before and after" defining moments of my life. So I'm thinking about the "before". I find myself nostalgic for old friends and places, particularly Alaska. Although I don't want to live there, there is a part of me that belongs to the mountains and the slate grey water and the sleek pulse of whales. Even though I love being in Portland, and see us living here for a very long time, I still can't quite believe that our child won't know what it's like to grow up on a mountain at the edge of a forest, to gawk at bears strolling through the rock garden.

Or maybe it's just the hormones.

Fortunately for Scott, I have so far been spared the wild mood swings, but I am definitely softening. I cried during the Olympics last night when an American diver spoke about her last career dive (perhaps the strange thing is not that I cried during the Olympics, but that I actually watched the Olympics), and I had a complete meltdown the other night when I accidentally kicked the cat, and my cheeks are a bit wet now after writing about Alaska.

So everything shifts. People, hormones, tomatoes.

Enough deep thoughts-- I'm going to go watch some Gilmore Girls.